The MisAdventures of Calamity J!

The MisAdventures of Calamity J! …Ruminating on Urinating

Photo/Art Credit: Linder;

Photo/Art Credit: Linder;

“Nothing is ever easy for you, is it? You make the simplest things, difficult,” my boyfriend proclaims half laughing and half serious as I tell him of my latest calamity.

“Isn’t everyone’s life part situational comedy, part shit show?” I think to myself aloud. He shakes his head knowingly and no-ingly.

I have always suspected that my life is sort of a Truman Show and that one day all of the cameras and sets would come undone and I could loudly announce, “I knew it all along!” I mean I am a walking comedy of errors. Anecdotes are born of the most mundane day-to-day occurrences.

For example, on a recent trip to the doctor’s office, the nurse made a pretty run of the mill request.

“I need a urine sample,” she said passing me a white styrofoam container with my name scribbled across the rim.

“Sure, that’s easy enough” I am thinking; I’ve been peeing every half hour like clockwork since I discovered I was pregnant. I rush to the bathroom, eager to comply.

I squat over the toilet, underwear at my knees cup in hand and wait. One minute passes, two minutes, three. I’m starting to get quite uncomfortable; hiked dress, holding my underwear so that it doesn’t touch the public toilet, cup in hand , “maybe some running water will get the juices flowing,” i think. Of course it can’t be a normal tap, there is one of those hand sensor- water conservation taps that only dispenses water if there is a hand in front of it. I’m on my tip toes now, hiked dress, holding underwear and cup, arm outstretched in front of the sensor on the sink tap which is at least a foot to the left. One minute passes, two, three, five…FUCK this! I head back to the nurse hand her the cup and tell her it’s not happening.

Back in the waiting room, 15 minutes of small talk, knees clenched, and imagining waterfalls finally pays off. I return to the restroom, hiked dress, holding underwear, and cup…you know the routine. The urine starts to flow, I’m relieved. Even though its flowing at an obtuse angle to the left drenching the seat and part of my leg. I just need to fill the damn cup…mission accomplished.

All is right with the world!  Until the next adventure…
calamity j sig

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